19 ene. 2020

oh, the stars.

I was going to light a candle, then I was in need for English books; all that might had as well been excuses not to write. the whole day I've been wanting to, intending to. write. 
2019 was a rough year. A few days ago I got the hanged man on the tarot. Reversed hanged man, to be more accurate:

"you fill your days with tasks and projects, keeping busy and distracting yourself from the actual issue that needs your attention
You may already be in a position where everything has been put on hold, much to your frustration. While you feel resistant, it’s important that you surrender to ‘what is’ and let go of your attachment to how things should be. Be in flow with life, even if it’s not as you expected it (seriously, when does it ever go exactly as you expected!?), and loosen your grip".

Letting go, just a few weeks earlier I told to myself: let go, like, for real. Que será, será.
After China there was nothing I wanted more than to go back. Then the thesis got on the way, I felt stupid as fuck, then not so much. I mean, at the end I guess all this 'pause' in my life was a way for me to learn, ultimately, to make a decision and learn you win something and you lose something. So went for China, said fuck it to the degree. Started translating --sort of-- and teaching languages. What a relief. Suddenly I was teaching Spanish to foreigners, slowly I was teaching Japanese and English as well. Forever grateful. Thanks life, thanks universe. Maybe it is my path.
I'm learning. Translating Cortazar, and webcomics and shit. And I've thought about Japanese and Korean, and now I've got the Mandarin opportunity. If I'm living in China for a year I might as well study and try to make some progress. I can feel through this year I've became more of myself. More confident, more resistant to be considered less... so in few words: I know my worth. It is mine despite of what anybody says. It is so hard though, when you know English. But whatever. Just leaving abroad for a year is great. I like having a job, though. Then, to spend 2 years learning Japanese. Well, I can always come back and teach. Teach, teach, teach.
What a blast. And translate. So sad that payments here are so low. Oh well.
Anyway, this year is weird. Turning 25, moving abroad --thanks god. I mean, as much as I love my parents... what the heck. They can't be here all the fucking time. Well, I guess they are helping and that's really nice. But yeah, I need space. I need a bigger sense of doing my thing, for better or worse. Teaching, having a job... it really makes me feel a whole lot better about myself. Like, I can handle this shit.
And the end I guess it's better, so the day I finally do the professional exam I'll be like... let's get this through. And just be over with it. And you know what my astral chart says about me:

"she is fairly introverted and withdrawn, trying to make sense out of her inner confusion, and fathom her inner depths. Freedom and independence are primary values for her. She tends to flee from any profound involvement in a relationship. As a consequence, she intellectualizes her emotions and feelings, and can live more easily on friendship than on love."

I, for some reason, don't mind that. I guess it's cool. I've been into the stars lately. Many of my friends were on hold for this two years, for some of us things are starting to get moving this 2020, but probs won't see the results until mid 2020, and I guess, as one of the planets leaves until December 2020, we won't know what up. What I can tell you it's that it's been a ride, but it's fine. We've come out stronger, hopefully, wiser too.

28 dic. 2019

I’m always afraid of planes crashing.

I’ve got a list of Japanese literature related topics. How dare I, to teach japanese literature and ask for money. 
My mind is all over the places.
I could be learning something from Joyce Carol Oates or Margaret Atwood, but I’m so tired. It’s almost 9:00 am. Couldn’t sleep at all. 
I’m thinking about writing a blog. A serious one. About learning languages. The thing is I’ve gotta study first in order to write.
I’m thinking about stopping my chinese lessons. My teacher is not great so why keep paying him.
I’m also a teacher. I try to be a good one. One they want to pay. My income is low as shit so that’s why I was thinking about teaching Japanese literature or starting a blog. Teaching is not bad, but Mexico’s economy just sucks.
Anyways, I don’t really need the money. So there’s that.
I digress though. I was offered a job opportunity in China. Teaching abroad for a year. But then again I don’t have my freaking degree. And I really want to have it. I want it more than anything I’ve wanted before. My thesis has been once again rejected. Probably not as bad as it could have but nonetheless it means a step back and probably staying in Mexico for another month. It sucks. Do I really want to pursue a job in Academia? It’s painful and frustrating. 
So I’ve got to paths: go to China without a degree. Or stay and get the degree but lose the chance of teaching in China.
Why not live in China for a year? Couldn’t be that bad — been there before so I guess I’ll be alright a second time. 
Then I could come back and get the freaking degree. It’s just a paper. Money is paper as well. 
Going to China would mean flying for 16 hours to arrive at a horrible place I want to be at. Not going would mean staying at a horrible place I don’t mind being at.
Aaah, decisions. Well it’s fine. The year is about to end. I should learn to let go, whether it’s a degree or China. One thing will be lost. Maybe it won’t be the later.
Updates in two months.